Friday, September 5, 2008


In case anybody didn't know, Laura and I have been fighting a summer long battle against the evilest of all evil bugs, the wasps. You know I have a theory about wasps. You know, it's kind of like Bees are Arabs. For the most part, they are peaceful creatures. They like to live their lives in relative peace, and the well being of both colony and country rely on viscuous liquids people can't get enough of(honey and oil). Both bees and arabs will fight back when provoked or feeling threatened, but for the most part, they are likable, if not overly fuzzy, creatures. Unfortunately, both we and bees also suffer from another problem; evil trouble causing cousins.

Much like the extremists of the Middle East, wasps give the hymonoptera order a bad name. They arrive in droves, and hold their new found dominion hostage, forcing co-habitants to live in fear, pain, and destitution what with the rising cost of Benadryl. Laura and I have fought this problem all summer long, and we have caved to the wasps' terroristic ways. But no more. On Wednesday evening, "Operation: Jihad to Piss Me Off" commenced against the flying infidels. Let me say with pride it was an undoubted success!

Having had enough of these bastards and their aggressive, leaf eating ways, we took advantage of the cloudy, windy day and attacked at about 1800. Having to admit air superiority to the enemy, Laura and I decided that our attack must be quick, devastating, and we would likely need it to be a long distance attack. Therefore, after contemplating the possibility of artillery(roman candles), infantry (my pellet gun), or armor(running my car through our front yard into the tree), it was decided each method involved too much collateral damage. Therefore, I made the decision few want to make; chemical warfare would have to be waged. At approx. 1815, a lethal dose of pyrethrum and refrigerant, also known as Raid Wasp & Hornet killer, was applied to the entire nest. Having not seen it coming, the wasps had very little chance. Locals (me & Laura) danced in the streets as wasp after wasp fell from their fortified positions dying slow deaths at the hands of the chemicals. A second, strafing application of Raid was applied to the nest, after which I knocked that sucker down.

Now, you have to understand that it has been a rare moment this summer that I have been able to go into the front yard without one of these suckers coming after me. The nest, which we found last week, was deeply interwoven in the back of our tree between multiple branches. To finally have found and rid our house of these mofos was a joyous occasion. So after Laura and I had finished dancing in the streets (we celebratorily danced for about an hour or two), we decided to end the night's festivities with a great feast(aka Chicken Express). So we jumped in the car, ran over the remnants of the nest a couple times, and went on about our lives, knowing the world is a better place.

Praise be to God, those lint lickers are dead! If anyone else is having Wasp problems, allow me to suggest you get in your trees, storm drains, easements and get them while you can, or you too may end up hostages in your own home!


LM said...

that's HILARIOUS. we're getting the "pest eliminator" to come EARLY next year!!!

Natalie said...

Haha. That's awesome! Graham and I had to fight those suckers in Denton in our apartment. Yes, I said "in." When the summer months began to fade and the whether got cooler, they decided that our apartment was warm and starting coming inside.

I told our apartment about oh ten times and they came in and did what I could have done, sprayed the windows and chimney. So after having about 15 wasps in our apartment I took matters into my own hands, I taped the fireplace shut with wax paper and duct tape. We could see them and hear them hitting the wax paper. We would randomly open a corner and spray in raid and watch them die.

In the end we killed over 30 wasps in our apartment. At first we didn't use chemicals either. We actually threw a tennis ball at one and it just made him more angry.

Anyway, I wanted to share that and say I sympathize with you about how awful those little creatures are. I am glad you killed them all. Haha.